Baron Gaylord Returns

I was still lying on the ground amongst the dust that had previously been Queen Phealmahtites and her chariots. I heard a loud cry of victory lift from the battle field. When the Queen had returned to dust, so had her army. I had saved the day.

Still, there were casulties to see too, and I was one of the few medical practitioners in the camp.

I headed immediately to the surgury area, where I had a fellow Doctor apply honey and some wrappings to my wounds. I didn't want to be bleeding on the patients as they were brought in.

The next few hours consisted of washing and dressing wounds. Where we needed to, we sewed a wound to stop the bleeding. Some men were missing limbs. We used fire to stop the bleeding in these cases. Othermen had broken bones from the impact of the enemies charges.

While I was busy working, Baron Gaylord, who had survived the carnage, was busy finding more wounded on the battlefield. The vultures and corvus had gathered to pick the flesh off the dead and wounded men. Some men too wounded to stand, would call to their comrades in the hope that they'd get found before the birds would come to peck at them.

Those who were found, and still had some hope would be brought to surgury. The dead were pilled in the middle of the battlefield. These warriors would not be returned home. Their bodies would be burnt before the day was out, and their bones buried in a small barrow.

As the day grew old, the wounded became less, and I had a moment to stop for a while. The weight of the day had drained me more than I had thought. I needed to find my tent to get some rest.

The smell of burning corpses filled the air. I stopped on the way back to my tent to check one of the wounded. He was propped up against wagon. I had remembered cleaning his head and bandaging it early in the day. Alas, it was not enough. During the heat of the day, he'd expired. I hadn't given him much hope before when I'd seen him. The hit to his head had cracked his skull. His survival would have been miraculous, even if he'd only lived through the night.

"Doctor", cried an approaching warrior. "Is he alright?"
I just shook my head, and continued on my way. The warrior picked up his fallen friend and placed him gently in the back of the wagon. Many others would join him during the night.

I knew I had to act quickly.

I lept down the earthen embankment as fast as I could. The gate to the camp was still open. Several of the camp guards began to shut the gate. Still, I had an idea.
"Leave the gate. Grab that rope!", I shouted at them. "You! Get the unit lining up just over there!"
I pointed to a position about twenty feet inside the gate. I grabbed the rope with the other men.
"We need to position this on the ground just behind the gate. When the chariots come through, we want to trip the horses.", I yelled as I stretched the rope where I had indicated.
The guards nodded. They understood what I wanted done. Another warrior tied the opposite end of the rope into a brass tent peg in the ground. The tent peg was about four foot long, with two feet of that beneath the ground already. I was hoping it would hold.
We didn't have long to wait. We'd only just got into place when the chariots reached the camp. A group of about ten warriors with me pulled as hard as we could on the rope as the chariot entered the camp. It wasn't enough. The chariot's horses stumbled and lost their footing, but the ten warriors and myself were pulled across the ground.

As the horses stumbled, the other chariots rode into the back of the first chariot. It was enough to cause some to flip, and others to stop dead. Still, the ten men and myself found ourselves almost under the hooves of these undead horses.

The rest of the warriors charged forward, and if it wasn't for them I and the ten men on the ground probably would have been trampled to dust. I could see through the dust that the brass tent peg had been severly bent over from the impact on the rope. The undead horses might be no more than skeletons, but they still pack some mighty power.

I crawled my way out from the dust and carnage. I was spluttering a bit, with the dust in my lungs and eyes. I didn't realise at the time, but being dragged across the ground had caused my arms and face to be severly grazed. I'd lost a lot of skin from my arms. Still, I don't think I felt the pain, as I was more in fear for my life. As you know, sister and brother elves, I obviously survived the battle, or I would not be writing to you now.

I was away from the main fracas before I had courage to turn and face the skirmish behind me. I saw Queen Phealmahtites easily hacking down warrior after warrior. Though most of her contingent had been returned to dust and bone, she was still standing. It was like she was impervious to normal blades and spears.

It was at this point that I remembered that only a sharped Ankh to the heart could bring her down. Alas, we were unequiped with such a weapon. Then I struck on the idea of making one. The brass tent pegs had a round loop on the end, much like the loop of an Ankh. I just needed to find something to complete the cross. I grabbed an unused tent peg and spied one of the undead spears on the ground. I had no difficulty getting to it, and snapped it in half across my leg. I then rammed the tent peg into the half spear, trying to use the spear to make the Ankh's cross. Alas, the spear split in two down the middle, making two slivers of wood. I needed something to tie it to the tent peg.

I tore a piece of cloth off my tunic. It was already partly torn from being dragged across the ground. I used this to easily tie the wooden slivers to the tent peg. My ankh was made.

The other warriors continued battling against the Queen. I knew I only had one chance to ram this ankh home. I ran screaming at the top of my lungs at the Queen. She was standing amongst the ruins of the undead chariots. I used the debris of a chariot to run up. It helped accentuate my leap, as I let out another blood curdling scream. I was coming down on her, as she turned towards my scream. The ankh came down, the point penetrating right into her bossum.

The impact brought us both to the ground. She looked at me stunned.
"An elfffffff!", she whispered, the words sounding as confused the look on her face.
"Yes", I replied. I didn't know what else to say as she crumbled to dust beneath me.

The Day of Battle

In the morning I awoke early. I had to get the surgury area ready for any casulties which might occur during the ensuing battle. I was amazed that the warriors were able to get up at all. The night had contained some very harsh partying and reveling. Still, they managed to get up and battle ready without any problems.

They began assembling on a ridge just outside of the camp. Once the surgury area was ready, I climbed the small earth and wood wall which had been erected around the camp. I could see Gaylord's army clearly. Phealmahtites army was still standing where they had been the night before. I'm not sure if they had even moved. One thing was for sure though, it had grown in numbers since I'd last seen them. We were now out numbered three to one.

Gaylords main troup consisted of three units of foot warriors assembled in the middle. To the left he'd placed his archers and some small artilary. To the far right he lined up with the heavy cavalry, with a smaller light cavalry unit behind them.

The undead army on the other hand was lined up with four light cavalry units in the centre. To my left, standing within her chariot was Queen Phealmahtites. She had three heavy chariot units with her. Opposite our archers, were three archery units. Directly in front of Gaylord's cavalry was the mass of twelve units of spearmen.

We didn't have long to wait. Gaylord gave the command, and the artillary began firing into the units of undead archers. These creatures feared nothing, and stood their ground. It seemed that as soon as one was taken out by a cannon shot, that another one arose to take it's place.

The undead spearmen started a slow march towards Baron Gaylord and his cavalry. As they closed in, a sudden shout came from Queen Phealmahtites. As if one person, her cavalry and chariots began moving towards the line of Gaylords footmen and archers. She had timed it so that her spearmen would get to Gaylords cavalry at the same time that her cavalry units hit Gaylords footmen.

Gaylord was on top of it. With a command his light cavalry started a slow trot behind the lines. The heavy cavalry then wheeled left and began a trot in front of the lines. They just managed to move before the undead spearmen could get to them. Gaylord's footmen shuffled along. They were making a space in the line where the light cavalry would pass.

A blast of trumpets from Gaylord's Heavy cavalry and they changed direction towards the undead cavalry and broke into a charge. Gaylord's light cavalry broke through as well, and was heading directly for Queen Phealmahtites chariots. By this stage, the chariots were up to a charge as well. From where I was standing, it was as though two mightly waves hit each other full force. I could see bones, weapons and bodies thrown into the air, only to come back down amongst the melee.

Gaylord's heavy cavalry hit the undead cavlary in the side. This caused great penetration into the ranks of the undead. Still, Gaylord's flank and rear were unprotected from the mass of undead spearmen heading their way. Gaylord's footmen were going to have to move faster in order to protect Gaylord's heavy cavalry.

The mass of undead spearmen assaulted into the melee taking out some of the back ranks of heavy cavalry. Gaylord's footmen arrived and assaulted into the side of the undead spearmen. I was sure Gaylord and his men would be swallowed up in the sea of undead.

From out of the melee, Queen Phealmahtites and a contingent of her chariots broke free and were heading straight towards the camp. I knew I would have to act quickly.

Riding Out to the First Battle

The City State's army road out to meet the undead army today. I was unsure of which army was coming, as my spies had not discerned whether it would be the High Priest Bonkinyerwife-Behindyurbak, or the Queen Phealmahtites. I decided to ride out with the baggage train behind the warriors in order to be there if medicinal help was required.

Late in the day, we came upon Phealmahtites army. The Undead army was amassed on a hill in the distance. Still, I was able to discern the battle standard of the Queen.

"Phealmahtites", I said to myself, in astonishment.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you!", I heard one of the warriors next to me say.
"Oh, he is vane isn't he! He just assumes because he's straight everyone wants him!", stated another.

I really couldn't follow what they were talking about. I just put it down to normal human strangeness. Maybe they were just upset at being given the task of guarding the baggage train. They even seemed to have something against me being "straight". What did they expect, not every person is "crooked". Still, I didn't reply to such a barb in case it degenerated into a name calling contest.

The armies lined up opposite each other, but by nightfall neither general had made a move to initiate a battle. I wondered if a night conflict would take place, as the Undead really have no need for sleep. Still, Baron GayLord's army decided to retire for the night, and a camp was crudely constructed.

I wandered the camp at night, from fire to fire. I was amazed to see some women in dresses amongst the drunken warriors, as I don't recall any riding out with us that day. I know a normal baggage train would have many of the warriors wives, but none seemed to have accompanied their husbands on this journey. Still, some of them had obviously found their way here. I was worried though, as some of the women seemed to have beards and facial hair. I assumed those ones were just trollops who followed warriors everywhere. They looked way too homely to ever get married, and none of them had wedding bands. Still, I guess a warrior away from home will play up. These trollops seemed to be getting plenty of attention from the warriors.

Some of the warriors must have been very drunk, as I swear, they seemed to be all over each other. I guess alcohol does that to humans. They have some, and it arouses all sorts of desires in them. Too much, and they can't tell a man from a woman. The dark night probably didn't help much either.

I retired early, as I wanted to make sure I was rested for the next day. There would be plenty of wounded. Though the Undead are easy to kill, there are very many of them, and I beleive I counted two of them for every warrior we had. It would be a busy day.

I wondered if Gaylord could overcome her, Phealmahtites, and win the day. Phealmahtites! It's a big ask of any man. Still, I think he could get it out there and give her a good thrashing. He didn't seem to be looking forward to it though.

Parade of Warriors

Well, I guess with the news of the awoken Undead Army reaching Gaylord's City State they are preparing for battle. They held a great procession today, where the warriors danced around on floats and paraded down the main street. The street was in turn decorated in bright colours. Mainly pinks and mauves.

Most of those warriors seemed very friendly with each other. I was amazed that there were so many. The Amazonians rode in wearing leather outfits and leather hats on fine war horses. Quite a sight to see.

During the parade, one of the warriors yelled to me, "Show me your back door."
I called back, "It's just down that alley and turn left."
He called back, "Turn left into what?"
I replied, "I have a back passage there! Just come into the back passage. You'll see my backdoor soon enough."
I assumed he was after some medicinal advice. Possibly wanting to know where my back door was, as it might have been of an embarrassing nature. Still, he could have been more discrete. Yelling out the question in the middle of a parade is not very discrete.

The Gay Warrior Guild's Disco was open till the early hours. I am still amazed that so few of their wives attend this venue. I would have thought they would have spent time with their spouses before running off to battle. Still, they seemed to be very happy, with everyone having a gay time.

Several of them had to come to the practice the next morning. Apparently, during all the excitement, a bear had attacked them with a gigantic tool of some sort. I didn't pick up the particulars of it. I was amazed that a wild animal would have been allowed into the disco at all. The fact that someone had attached a "tool" of some discription to it was even more fool hardy. Still, the animal had particular aim for their bottoms. It seemed to have ripped rather large holes in their ... um ... holes. Still, I stitched them up. They will find it hard sitting in the saddle for a few weeks. Hopefully they will perform well in the ensuing melees.

The Gathering Armies

It appears that the awakened armies are gathering force. Phealmahtites has been gathering huge masses to herself. I don't think I've seen one as big as her's before. 'Tites are really massive. We may need several generals, as I imagine 'Tites will be too much for one man to handle.

Bonkinyerwife-Behindyurbak has expended great energies. Bonkinyerwife has previously brought great happiness to many. Obviously, this time it might be different, now that he has been awoken, and also awoken the great Pharoah. The High Priest has also gathered great forces and many have lined up for Bonkinyerwife. It will be interesting to see exactly how many that will be.

In the meantime, the Pharoah himself, Pnutsferballs, has been hard to find. Some have searched to see him, but it is difficult to see Pnutsferballs. My spies have been unable to inform me of Pnutsferballs whereabouts. They know he is there somewhere, but he seems obscured.

In the meantime, it looks like the City State here has heard of the gathering forces. I beleive that the human adventurers who awoke Bonkinyerwife, have returned, and are telling everyone about it. Each seems to have their own story about Bonkinyerwife and their part in it. I feel they are covering something up. Maybe they have more experience with Bonkinyerwife-Behindyurbak than any of us expected. I would not be surprised if the whole thing was deliberate, and they had had every intension of penetrating the tomb in order to get to Bonkinyerwife.

So I guess in summary:
'Tites are getting bigger than ever before.
We are having difficulty locating Pnutsferballs.
Large crowds are gathering for Bonkinyerwife-Behindyurbak.

We will see if the Baron Gaylord can raise a suitable army here in the city state to be of any effect. Can Gaylord locate Pnutsferballs? Will he take 'Tites in both hands and give her a decisive blow? And what about Bonkinyerwife? How will Gaylord handle that?

Awakening of the Great Pharoah

Some stupid humans who were out adventuring have caused great problems. Apparently, while raiding the Great Pyramid of Rockcheops, they came across the tomb of the Great Pharoah Pnutsferballs. They accidently awoke the High Priest Bonkinyerwife-Behindyurbak. The High Priest in turn awoke the Pharoah and his Queen, Phealmahtites.

Great Pyramid of Rockcheops 
I was fortunate enough to get my hands on a map detailing the entrance to the tomb and some of the first level. As you know tomb is a well known spot for musicians to travel to as pilgrams. On a lot of occassions those musicians have gotten lost in and around the tomb. Many a time I have informed the less wise musician to know their Rockcheops. Still, some of them won't listen, and we can only imagine their embarassment of being caught in the same old traps.
We must stop the Priest and Pharoah from raising their undead army and assaulting the world. After all, Bonkinyerwife-Behindyurbak has lead to all sorts of problems in the past. We managed to put that behind us before. It is sad that we learn that Bonkinyerwife has once again been discovered. I'd hate for the general public to find out about it, it could prove embarrasing for all involved.
I will leave you to handle the rumours that might circulate about our Pnutsferballs problems. I'm sure you can handle these. After all, they aren't big at the moment. Some might even say, miniscule. They may get out of hand, but I am hoping if they do, they will remain quite small.
As for Phealmahtites, it leaves me red faced that I know it's happened again. 'Tites (shortened version of her name)has once again broken lose for all to see. Still, we hope to find ways to get 'Tites back under wraps. Hopefully a minimal amount of people will see 'Tities before we can get a hand on this problem.
I will send another report once more information comes to hand.

Undercover!

After plenty of magic to make myself look as human as possible, I have finally moved into the human city. My main purpose being to infiltrate the human social heirarchy and gather information of human activities. These I will report back to my superiors in the High Elf Kingdom. We are very worried with the state of the planet. We need to stop the humans from wasting away what is left of the Earth's natural resources.

I've moved into a middle class neighbourhood, and set up a clinic as a Medicinal Practitioner. On the North of my practice (number 69) is the "Gay Warriors Guild and Disco Dance Club". It is good to know that inspite of their harsh lifestyle, they maintain a joviality about their work. To the right of my practice (number 73) is the "Amalgamated Guild of Assassins and Chartered Accountants".

As soon as I get the time, I will pay for an artist to paint a small painting of my medicinal shop to send back to all you High Elves who await with anticipation my information and advice on how to stop this plague of mad monkeys (aka humans) from causing more havoc to the environment.

I have been having some problems with the Dance Club next door. It opens early in the evening and maintains a loud noise level till all hours of the morning. I worry that thewives of these happy warriors are waiting for them at home, sick to death not knowing where their spouses are. At least I assume this, as I have seen very few women entering the club. I wonder if they deliberately leave them at home in order to get drunk and cavort around without fear of recrimination from aforementioned spouses.

In the meantime, I had better visit the guild on the other side of my shop in order to see a Chartered Accountant. I get chills everytime I think of visiting such a place. I guess Chartered Accountants are enough to scare the willies off any man. Still, I need to ensure my business is set up correctly with the local finacial practices. The last thing I want is a horde of these creatures knocking on my door in order to perform an audit on me. Eeeeewwwww, more chills!